


Bad Mornings

by VerbenaHA



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, sfw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-18
Updated: 2015-06-18
Packaged: 2018-04-04 23:38:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4157289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VerbenaHA/pseuds/VerbenaHA
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Trauma puts people in a bad mood sometimes. Or maybe that's the sleep deprivation...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bad Mornings

**Author's Note:**

> Angst, angst, angst. I put this together based on a few things; part of it is experience, but mostly it's listening to other real-life soldiers just talk and interact.
> 
> 1/8/17: Every once in a blue moon I get a notice that someone left kudos on this piece. Thank you so much for reading this and for letting me know in any small way that you liked it!

Levi did not say anything for the first ten minutes or so, he just held Erwin’s trembling head. “What started it this time?” he asked when Erwin grabbed a napkin to wipe his ruined nose. Erwin did not know what had started the fit this time and only shook his head. Levi put his fingers in Erwin’s hair to help calm him down. Thirty minutes later, Erwin fell asleep on the couch in his office and Levi walked back to his room. He sat on the edge of his bed and stared at his shoes. 

Some mornings the veterans cringed at getting out of bed, but these spasms of sobs meant something more. They had all been through this before. Mike, Levi, and even Hange had their limits. Discomfort came out in tears sometimes. The first time Levi cried like that was a week after his first expedition when he had lost so, so much. It was not caused by grief, but shock: fear had pushed his senses to their limit outside the walls, but in the safety of his room and the fellowship of his teammates, the shock wave of all he had felt that released itself. 

He could not stop it no matter what he did. He turned on a faucet to cover the sound but he was found out by Mike, thankfully, who held his shoulders and explained that there was nothing wrong with him. That it was better not to fight this kind of thing and that it would go away. The expeditions would get easier, he would get stronger and the tears would be less frequent.

He bawled for a solid twenty minutes on Mike’s shoulder and again the next day in his bath before it stopped. Later he would do the same for Hange, who had a more complicated way of explaining it. “There is no realistic way to be prepared for the kind of anxiety that we go through out there,” she said, wiping her nose with her hands. “It’s like we are babies.”

“Pardon me?”

“Well, when babies are born, they cry. Not because there is anything wrong, they’re perfectly fine, but because they have not experienced anything like outside world before.” He began to see what Hange meant. 

Greif and loss, to Levi, were old pains. The titans and all they implied, on the other hand, were new. And so he cried. And every time he experienced something new and terrible he found a place to cry. But things did get easier. He got used to the adrenaline that wracked his body and the surprises that took his breath away like a stab in the back. He pushed down fear for the sake of his teammates who were doing the same. In the shelter of the walls, however, sometimes tremors would grip him un-expectantly and there was nothing to do but let it out. 

“We are afraid of the unknown sensation, like a newborn,” Hange had said. 

Levi sighed and curled under his blankets, too tired to shower first. Any one of his friends, Erwin included, would chew their own foot before they let a superior—or even an inferior—officer hear them cry like that, but friends were different. Levi believed, realistically, that Erwin should take a day off but knew that he would not. And so, the morning after Erwin’s latest fit, Levi went in early, grumpy and tired, to make him coffee and check on him.

He reached up to straighten Erwin’s tie after he handed off the steaming mug. He looked at Erwin’s bruised nose from where he had washed it in the sink to scratch off the filth. His light hair looked washed and combed, but everything else was a scraggly, unshaven mess. He sniffled every now and then while he sipped his drink.

“You honestly look terrible, you really do,” Levi said and Erwin sneered. “You should have stayed at home.”

“Well, good morning,” Erwin replied. “And no, I shouldn’t have. Work helps. Like you and cleaning; you don’t actually care to wash a cup three times, but it helps you stay calm, doesn’t it?”

Levi glanced at the newspaper Erwin was holding. “Gossip isn’t work.”

“Well…” Erwin shrugged. “It’s good to know what the writers are saying about us.”

“Nothing good. We need to do something about that.”

“Eventually,” sighed Erwin. He sat down at his desk and Levi went to the window to open the blinds.

“Don’t look at the maps today,” he advised. 

Erwin smirked. “I won’t.”

“And don’t read the obituaries.”

“I’m not.”

Levi leaned against the desk. “Then what are you reading?”

“Sponsors pay for what’s in the paper,” Erwin said, pointing to the front page. “We can find out more about our competitors. Like this: Rico’s replacement has a promotion prospect.”

“Really?”

“Well, not exactly. This just means she’ll be working more hours.”

“Sounds like something she would do.”

“Mhmm,” Erwin hummed, frowning.

“What’s wrong?” Levi asked. “I mean, I wouldn’t have picked her for Rico’s old job, but she’s a hard worker, isn’t she?”

“I wouldn’t want her on my right,” was all Erwin said. Levi’s brow furrowed.

“What did she do?”

“Too much. That’s the problem, she’s spoiled.” Levi’s brow raised. 

“So you really don’t like her?” he asked.

“When I want to promote someone,” Erwin explained, “I need to know they make wise decisions, not—”

“Just see if I ever make you coffee this early in the morning again,” Levi said, his arms folded over his chest. “What’s put you in a mood?”

“A captain dedicated to the men and women under their command should take their fates into consideration,” Erwin continued. “But she doesn’t consider the consequences. There is not enough funding for these new barracks she’s building—I know that there isn’t—and where will the new recruits stay when the buildings aren’t finished?”

Levi picked up the paper and read. “It looks like she passed the decision because it was a popular idea,” he said.

“What she ought to have done is spent that money on the new equipment from Sina. She’s going to need it.”

“I bet she disagrees.”

“You see, you’re probably right,” Erwin admitted, “But that’s where my issue lies: she is taking a gamble on civilian wishes instead of soldiers’ safety. It’s almost as if she is not afraid of…” he stopped.

“Losing soldiers?” Levi prompted. There was a beat where neither of them breathed. “She must have some worries, she has a family.”

“And, according to this, she already has a retirement plan.”

“Alright, now you’re pissing me off,” Levi snapped. “What’s the matter with that?”

Erwin softened. “I just think she’s too young and it’s too soon to be planning for that. She’s new, that’s all I meant.” 

Levi was quiet. He picked himself up and sat on the edge of the desk like a bird of prey. “You really can be a bully sometimes, you know that? Did something happen this morning? This girl works in Trost, she’s part of the Garrison, what’s your problem with her retirement?”

“It’s the point of the thing, Levi. I know this is only gossip and I don’t really care about other people’s personal plans. I’ve just been thinking a lot about captains and people and myself: selfish, jealous, self-righteous people. Those are the kinds of leaders that make me pause,” Erwin said. “People unafraid of guilt are dangerous.”

“You think you’re self-righteous?” Levi put in.

Erwin did not answer that. “I’m sorry,” he said quietly.

Levi took a deep breath and sighed. “I’ve asked this before, but what did you say you were going to do if you retire?” Erwin hardly moved. He tilted his head slightly, as if the question didn’t bother him, but Levi could see the light in his eyes fade. Levi looked up and out the window, but the reflection off the blinds obscured everything. “Forget it.”

“I didn’t have an answer last time you asked.”

“Well, do you have an answer or not?”

Erwin did not put his paper down, though he had stopped reading. “I don’t.” Another silent beat. “What I just said about dangerous leaders: I didn’t mean you. I’ve seen it. You are different.”

“I know I’m different,” Levi looked at him. “But I think you do care, actually, about people’s plans. I wouldn’t say you are self-righteous. If I’m honest, you are jealous and you’re pretty selfish at the best of times, but when it counts? All you care about are your people.”

He slid off the desk and went to the door. Levi turned the handle but Erwin sniffled behind him and Levi remembered why he had gotten up early in the first place. “You’re pretty different too,” he added before he walked away.

**Author's Note:**

> The idea was actually to take these characters and put a spotlight on the gross sides of their work, minus the gore. The result was a lot of gross sobbing and exhausted, dumb arguments.
> 
> THANK YOU FOR READING!


End file.
